Lots of thoughts today..

Well, I believe those who come to this blog probably already know I have cancer and my life is currently at some kind of pause.





Today, even though I had two appointments, one with western doc in the morning and one with chinese med doc at night, I had time to think about some stuff.





I thought about quite a lot of random stuff. I compared myself to when I first found out about my brain tumors, to when I settled down, to when doctor told me that the brain tumors were actually caused by lung cancer.





I also thought about life before and after I got hospitalised, when life came to a certain pause, about the people in my life.





Then, I thought about life after I got out of hospital to rest at home and also way back into 2007.





Well, I might as well just blog it all down tonight.





It all started with my left hand feeling weak btw.





1) When I first found out about my brain tumors - I entered Changi General Hospital on 2nd Nov due to my first major seizure. I stay there dunno how many days lah.. I think the Linkin Park concert was on the.. 7th isit? Ok.. I was hoping I would make it out by then, but I missed it because I was still feeling kinda sick and I still had some tests to go through. Then dunno when.. they say I can go home liao, but suddenly they say something showed up in the MRI scan (or isit the CAT or CT scan). So I had to go through another test at the neurology centre to check out my brain waves over at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH from now on). My brain waves were normal. Then, Changi told my family something like "Changi was not 'well-equipped' enough" to give a proper diagnosis, so they just transferred me over to Tan Tock Seng (then earlier they send me for the test for wat -.-) because TTSH was more advanced in the brain section.





So my "adventure" in TTSH began. I arrived there somewhere around tea-break time I think. The doctor there got all my MRI scan stuff already. He put them on the lighting board then looked at them. Me and my father there only, my mum was outside doing the check-in stuff. That time not enough beds in the neurology wards so I was placed in the waiting area.. I on the moveable bed, my father standing beside, my mum waiting outside. Only one person was allowed with me. That time we didn't know anything lah, we weren't expecting anything, just thought the doctor will know wtf is wrong with me.





Then, the doctor told my father to go out with him. He needed someone to settle the check-in stuff. My father went with him. -lol, remember I typed earlier my mum was doing the check-in stuff?-


So I felt weird lah. I lie there awhile.. think think.. eh, why the doctor see my MRI scan never say anything then ask my father go check-in. I sat up to try and look outside. You know what? I see the doctor talking to my father and pointing to the scan pictures from where he was. At this time.. I was like.. "???". Seriously. Question mark.





They saw me. I gave the o.O look and laid back on the bed. Of cause they know I know something wrong liao. A while later.. my father came in alone. He decided to tell me lah. Cause he felt it would be unfair if I didn't know. It got rather emotional. This is the #@#$ up time.. dont really know how to say also. My father hear the news already dam sad, and he had to break it to me. Gah, I dont blog about this, I start to think about it very.. gah.





Ok.. so that time we didn't know how to deal with it. I was messed up too. Brain tumor. WTF? I had no knowledge of this at all, except I see on TV.. it isn't good news, and death/pain/suffering is usually associated with it. Wah lau eh.. I only 17+ leh.. my 17th birthday less than one month ago (at that time). Now I got brain tumor?





Then, there was my mother too. Me and my father tried to calm ourselves down. We needed to decide how to tell my mum. I think we took quite some time to settle down. Cause is like.. think about it will sad.. then not sad.. then sad again. Aiya hard to explain. Then my father straightened up. He just went out. I laid there lah.. trying not to think about stuff. Awhile later.. my mum came in.. at first she was still ok ok.. but can see she was starting to be sad liao. I don't know how my father broke it to her, but I can see she was trying to hold back lah. Ah, another part I don't really want to blog about lol. All the crying part.. yea all of us did cry.





OK so I was diagnosed with brain tumor at that time and I think the doctor quite good lah, left us alone to settle down first then later come in then try to assure my father that TTSH doctors will do their best to treat me and stuff.





I managed to get a bed in the wards later. That night was a bit.. messed up lah. For a 17 yr old kid who just found out he had brain tumor lying alone there on the hospital bed (my parents left quite late that night, they wanted to keep me company longer) at 11+. Everyone else sleeping then I kinda alone there in a c+ ward.. was quite quiet cause the section was at the corner de.. then quite dark also, never get much light from the counter. So my thoughts kinda ran wild. Like.. what if I really did die; the regrets I have; the really really stupid mistakes I made; the kind of person I am; the misunderstandings that I didn't clarify; the things I haven't done and many other things. Man, I think that was the only time I had so many many things running through my head. I guess when you think you really are dying and you have time to think, you WILL see your life flashing past you. Except mine wasn't really flashing.





That was a super-emo day for me and my family (man, trust me, the time when I was waiting for a place in the wards was seriously bad). Don't know how my bro reacted when he first heard about it though lol.





2) When I started to get settled down - I was still pretty emo the next few days. I slowly informed a few people of my situation. At first got a few people I also wanted to tell, but I forgot =/. Ah, because I still super noob at brain tumor thing, thought I really will die just like that, then nobody know lol.





I don't really remember this period now, because I was quite moodless at that time. Relatives and friends came to visit. I felt very down at that time lah. But.. thanks to everyone. Really. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Slowly I forgot about my sianness. Except that I did feel very sick for a period there, forgot why. Don't know if is medicine or the brain tumor. I think I felt this kinda sickness back when I got my first major seizure too. Super headache and vomitting. Eh, or was it after I got my biopsy.. I forgot. Gah, guess my memory of the hospital stay has been messed up by the steroids. Well, I know I spent uneventful days there.





But hey.. though the days were uneventful, I saw a lot of things man. A lot. How friends sent sms-es to encourage me, how relatives made their way down even after their day of hard work and buy some little goodies. How they cook little healthy meals for me, bring some health supplements, help me with physiotherapy after the biopsy, help me buy food, stay and accompany me, rent some cd to watch on my lappy, friends come down to visit and to talk talk. Some relatives and like all of my friends live dam far from TTSH so I think it was hard for them.





Yea, many people gave me support. This period of time really changed me. Really. I used to be very very anti-social. I can remember that. Now, there isn't really anything to be anti-social about. I have a lot a lot a lot of gratefulness to everyone. Really, everyone. It's not like whether you got come hospital see me or not then I grateful. Really, a lot of people do a lot of things for me and I don't know how to thank them. Seriously. Eh, if you think I may not be grateful to anyone, please do not think that way. I really am. Super serious.





And one super major thing. My family. I don't know if this paragraph may seem to cancel out what I feel in the above two paragraphs, but.. this feeling is.. still somewhat different. Maybe it's still the anti-social side deep inside of me? My father and mother.. my father took like weeks off from work. My father and mother were dam worried. I think my relatives could sense it very well. Once again I feel grateful to my relatives. They helped my parents a lot. I really don't know why I was rather anti-social at family gatherings in the past. Why? I don't know. My eyes really open open open. I think my brother also matured a lot. He like keep giving way, never try to give trouble to my parents. He knew my parents were tired. My father woke up early everyday to come to the hospital to stay beside me, then my mother worked and then went to pray for me or travel from her workplace down to TTSH. Both were obviously mentally stressed out.





At that point, I had already come to terms with my illness. Everyone was giving me so much support. I had everything to fight it already, just that I still dunno how to fight it. NOTHING was being done to treat me except to keep everything under control. Well, anyway, I was a changed person. Changed a lot. I guess you can say.. I wish I socialized more with the people around me, talked a lot more. I wish I had done a lot more.



3) When I found out it was actually lung cancer - This was more recent. I think around late Dec or early Jan we got the report and doctor told us about it. There is something about TTSH doctors lah.. the way they broke the news.. I didn't really get sad about it this time. Or maybe the blow from learning about my brain tumor last time made me somehow prepared for this news. The scene wasn't like TV shows where sad background music comes on and the camera gets focused on the cancer dude with the shocked face. The doctor didn't talk about what stage it was in. I think it was just the initial stages since they didn't look very grim or something. Everything then came down to what kinda medicine I would be using and then scheduling both radiotherapy and chemotherapy.




4) Life before I entered hospital - I was dam enjoying it man.. coz even though spend a lot more time in school, I felt a lot more freedom. I was also studying something that I actually liked.. plus the food at TP is got good one. Also, I find that poly class a lot closer than secondary school class one lor.. maybe coz is half the size lol(but haha most probably oso because got wx, alwyn and zc same class). Well I most probably won't be as close as I am with this ex-current-class when I go to the new poly class.




And before I entered hospital.. eating was something dam fun. I anywhere/thing oso can eat.. western ah.. fast food ah.. fried stuff ah.. meat ah.. now hor.. those things that I just stated.. western cannot eat, fast food cannot eat, fried stuff can onli eat abit, meat onli eat certain type can. Bloody huge change in dietary habits. Now I every meal have to eat two type of vege and 1 fish.. luckily my mum still let me eat the meat that I can eat, so its 2 vege, 1 fish and 1 meat.



5) Way back into 2007 - Ah, the most free time of a teenager. O lv finish, lots of free time. lol, I can rmb that time make wrong choice go city hall overnight, went esplanade with alchohol and cards, end up..*cough cough* dumb cops lmao. Man, even the "only true 24hrs LAN shop in Singapore" didn't open -.-... eh, I think there was a blackout that nite at that building isit? We ended up walking around and then settling down at macdonalds playing 3-person dai-dee throughout the nite haha.. eh sumhow I remember this event the most leh.. other than my job at noel..



ok talking about my job at noel.. u noe the beyonce song "Irreplaceable" and the.. er.. by who ar.. "this ain't a scene; it's a goddamn arms race" that one.. I hear this two song will remind me of that place sia.. those sometime-busy-like-what-sometime-slack afternoons(and free soup at one of the coffeeshop). And.. eh.. thinking back, both events I spent it wif wx and yq lmao.



Still got other things, like going out to Sentosa esposing my flabby belly, getting started on gym and stuff.. also the passing of my father's side grandmother.. caused me to take a 2-week break from noel. Also the overnight cycling at Sentosa.. can't forget that as well. Posting till here, will add on if I remember anything.